Had my 3 month follow up with my endocrinologist this morning.
Nothing new. I have to do a bunch of other fasting tests and tighten some things up.
Maybe it's my sensitive Swedish side...or my emotional Italian side...but I just couldn't stop crying after my appointment!!!
I sat in the parking lot, trying to calm down...and kept crying.
I cried all the way back home.
I sat at our apartment and cried for 30 minutes.
I blasted the fan in my face, blew my nose like crazy, put some eye drops in my eyes, re-did my makeup, pulled myself together, and went in to work.
She was just sooooo rude!!! She walked in the door, looking at the read-out from my pump download and said, "Wow...this is a mess."
She didn't even say hi, shake my hand, ask how I was doing!!!
She interrupted me throughout the entire appointment, cut me off, blew off my concerns, didn't listen to my questions, and was just plain RUDE!!! I walked away discouraged and overwhelmed.
To top it off, her breathe reeked like coffee butt!!! I know that's not a smell or a real thing, but it's the only thing I can think to describe it! A sweaty butt mixed with coffee. YIKES!!!!
I couldn't even call Derek or my mom to let them know how my appointment went...I was just too emotional. I started to text Derek and then got teary-eyed. I eventually emailed my mom and cousin. My mom knew right away that something was up when she didn't hear from me this morning.
Considering switching to one of her other partners in the practice. The only thing is, she has to sign off and ok it. This is not the first time this has happened. Looking back, I come home from just about every appointment, upset!
I know this is MY disease and I need to do everything I can to control it, become healthier, etc. BUT...she is part of my team and is supposed to be there to advocate for me and support me.
Well, the morning was bad, but it's behind me. The weather is great and we have a fun weekend ahead of us (mixed with fasting tests in between...aaaarrrgggggg...but I'll survive).
On a REALLY great note, I took an early lunch break (because I needed it, but because I also had to finish eating by 1pm, so I could fast and test from 6pm-midnight tonight).
I went up to a room where I didn't think anyone would be, so I could calm down, or continue sulking and crying if I felt like it. Some girls were up there, singing and playing guitar. It was BEAUTIFUL!!! They even played my favorite hymn, "Come Thou Fount". The songs were filled with reminders from God that I needed to hear!!!
I sat there, enjoying the music...and tried not to cry again!!!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sparrows & Lillies...and resting in God's Sovereignty and Perfect Design...
Matthew 6:25-3425"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life">?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 10:30-31
30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Friday, June 5, 2009
A Good Reminder & Challenge...
"God allows in His wisdom, that which He could easily prevent by His power."
The quote above is from a video that our staff at work just watched together. It is about a 37 year old wife and mother of 2 little kids who is dying of cancer. Her message and testimony was exactly what I needed to hear.
Check it out for yourself: http://deathisnotdying.com/eventvideo/
I finally got my running for the week done last night, after complications and diabetes-related issues kept me from running on Tuesday morning, Tuesday night, Wednesday morning, Wednesday night, and then AGAIN Thursday morning!!!
I just kept saying, "Well, tomorrow is a new day. I'll try again and keep experimenting with my insulin, numbers, food, etc. til I finally get it right."
The frustration added up little by little but ended with my 25 minute run around our neighborhood before dinner last night. I got a nice little tour of our neighborhood, the weather was perfect, I was listening to great music, my muscles ached when I was done...but it was a good ache of accomplishment!!! And best of all, my numbers seemed to be good and steady.
By the time I had finished making dinner, it was 7:30pm and my blood sugar had shot up to 297...which meant I wouldn't be eating for a while. I told Derek to go ahead without me while I pumped up some more insulin and finished putting things away.
"I'm just so frustrated!" I said to Derek. "Hey, at least you got your running done for the week. That's great!" Derek replied. "I know. I'm trying not to get down about it. I'm sure I'll just cry and then be ok in a little bit." I said as I tried to hold back my tears and think about anything else but my stupid high blood sugar. "Don't cry," Derek said.
I walked in the other room where Derek was eating, and as the tears started to roll down my face, I sat on floor and began to stretch. The tears were still flowing. I got up and stretched out my legs again, turning my back so Derek couldn't see I was still crying, and fought to not have one of those, "Why me? Why Diabetes?" moments.
Rachel Barkey, the woman in the video with cancer talked about having a moment of being frustrated and angry with having cancer. She said that although it happens, she tries not to have those moments. She does not want to throw up her fists at God, yelling and telling him that His plan didn't work out right for her life, that he is not in control or all knowing.
When I heard her say this, I saw that in me (and then I started to cry!). Not that I intentionally throw my fists up at God and yell, but in the times where I think that life without Diabetes would be much easier or when I start to wonder why and what the point is, I kind of am doubting God. God isn't shocked that I have Diabetes. He knew I could handle it when he allowed it.
Sure, He could've prevented it, but..."God allows in His wisdom, that which He could easily prevent by His power."
So again, I find myself being reminded that its not important to know why me or to imagine what life would be like without Diabetes. The fact is, I have it and I'm gonna use it to God's glory, doing the best that I can to control the disease.
Maybe I'd be super unhealthy and lazy with out Diabetes? Maybe it's forced me to be healthy!!!
They are coming so close to a cure and it's such an exciting time with so many resources out there on how to be healthier.
So, in the meantime I will...."run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]. [I will] fix [my] eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of [my] faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3.
The quote above is from a video that our staff at work just watched together. It is about a 37 year old wife and mother of 2 little kids who is dying of cancer. Her message and testimony was exactly what I needed to hear.
Check it out for yourself: http://deathisnotdying.com/eventvideo/
I finally got my running for the week done last night, after complications and diabetes-related issues kept me from running on Tuesday morning, Tuesday night, Wednesday morning, Wednesday night, and then AGAIN Thursday morning!!!
I just kept saying, "Well, tomorrow is a new day. I'll try again and keep experimenting with my insulin, numbers, food, etc. til I finally get it right."
The frustration added up little by little but ended with my 25 minute run around our neighborhood before dinner last night. I got a nice little tour of our neighborhood, the weather was perfect, I was listening to great music, my muscles ached when I was done...but it was a good ache of accomplishment!!! And best of all, my numbers seemed to be good and steady.
By the time I had finished making dinner, it was 7:30pm and my blood sugar had shot up to 297...which meant I wouldn't be eating for a while. I told Derek to go ahead without me while I pumped up some more insulin and finished putting things away.
"I'm just so frustrated!" I said to Derek. "Hey, at least you got your running done for the week. That's great!" Derek replied. "I know. I'm trying not to get down about it. I'm sure I'll just cry and then be ok in a little bit." I said as I tried to hold back my tears and think about anything else but my stupid high blood sugar. "Don't cry," Derek said.
I walked in the other room where Derek was eating, and as the tears started to roll down my face, I sat on floor and began to stretch. The tears were still flowing. I got up and stretched out my legs again, turning my back so Derek couldn't see I was still crying, and fought to not have one of those, "Why me? Why Diabetes?" moments.
Rachel Barkey, the woman in the video with cancer talked about having a moment of being frustrated and angry with having cancer. She said that although it happens, she tries not to have those moments. She does not want to throw up her fists at God, yelling and telling him that His plan didn't work out right for her life, that he is not in control or all knowing.
When I heard her say this, I saw that in me (and then I started to cry!). Not that I intentionally throw my fists up at God and yell, but in the times where I think that life without Diabetes would be much easier or when I start to wonder why and what the point is, I kind of am doubting God. God isn't shocked that I have Diabetes. He knew I could handle it when he allowed it.
Sure, He could've prevented it, but..."God allows in His wisdom, that which He could easily prevent by His power."
So again, I find myself being reminded that its not important to know why me or to imagine what life would be like without Diabetes. The fact is, I have it and I'm gonna use it to God's glory, doing the best that I can to control the disease.
Maybe I'd be super unhealthy and lazy with out Diabetes? Maybe it's forced me to be healthy!!!
They are coming so close to a cure and it's such an exciting time with so many resources out there on how to be healthier.
So, in the meantime I will...."run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]. [I will] fix [my] eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of [my] faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3.
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